Even if you’re already divorced, things often change.  Perhaps your child is now headed to college and your ex refuses to help contribute to the college costs.  Or maybe you’ve been paying alimony and you find out your ex has been essentially living with her new boyfriend for over a year.

Sure you can file legal papers with the Court and wait for a judge make a decision about your money.  Not only can this cost significant time and money, it can take a huge emotional toll.  When you end up in Family Court, it can feel like a long drawn out war with no end in sight.

Or…

As a family law attorney for over 25 years, clients often hire me to coach them on how to communicate with their spouse or ex and settle their case.  Or they might ask me to negotiate an out of Court settlement for them with their spouse or his or her lawyer.

Here are 4 powerful ways to amicably settle your New Jersey post divorce case without going to Court:

1.        Listen effectively. 

As humans, we all have an essential need to be heard, understood, and valued.  The most effective way you can listen and hear the other person is simply by being present – not just to the words being said, but the other person’s emotional experience.

2.        Keep in mind general differences between what men and women want.

Generally speaking, women want empathy and often just want someone to sincerely listen; men usually offer solutions to problems as the best way to be helpful, which women often interpret as discounting and invalidating their feelings.  Men are generally motivated when they feel needed and respected.  When a woman tries to change a man, give advice, or criticize him, a man often hears that he is being told he is incompetent or doesn’t know how to do something or can’t do something on his own; women are generally motivated when they feel special or cherished.  Understanding these basic differences can help us take things less personally.

3.        Ask, don’t assume.

Our natural instinct is to assume we know why the other person is acting the way they are.  But for any difficult conversation to be successful, we need to understand where the other person is coming from.  You might use tentative phrases like “it seems” or “maybe” to minimize coming off as confrontational.

4.        Put yourself in their shoes.

You might ask how the other person views the situation.  What’s important to them?  What are they experiencing?  Do they feel angry or hurt?  Why?  As you listen carefully to the answers, you will learn where the other person is coming from.

When you’ve effectively listened to the other person, you can respond by relating to their emotions and paraphrase what you’re hearing.  You might say, “it sounds like you felt betrayed.  I didn’t realize you saw things that way.”

This is likely to lead to greater trust and the other person is far more likely to listen and hear your version of things.  Share your own point of view clearly and ask for the other person’s input in a solution.

The secret to amicably settling your New Jersey post-divorce case?  Give your ex what they need and in turn, you can get what you need.

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