There’s no question that separation and divorce are life-changing events, and can be a huge loss for everyone involved.  When parents separate, it can be incredibly confusing and sad for kids.  It can feel like their whole world has turned upside down.

When I was 13, my father moved out as my parents embarked on a bitter divorce.  My father was a constant presence in our home and involved in our daily lives until he was suddenly gone.  I can honestly say it was traumatic to lose the only life I had ever known up until then.  At first, my younger sister and I saw our father on weekends and Wednesday evenings when he’d help us with our homework.  But then it dwindled to every other weekend, which didn’t ever seem to feel like enough time.

As you experience your own painful emotions about your separation and divorce, it can help to know that where you are now will not last.  It is just a moment in time.  And you will move on.  In the meantime, it can help to focus on being the constant in your kids’ lives that they desperately need right now.

Below are 3 ways to give your children what they need most from you when you separate or divorce:

1.        Assurance that the divorce is not their fault.

It’s common for kids to personalize their part in the divorce and blame themselves.  It’s important to make it clear to them that they are not to blame for your separation and that you and your spouse made the decision because you both believe it’s best for the family.

2.        To know their feelings are perfectly okay.

Encourage your children to express their feelings.  It can help them process difficult emotions they might not even be aware of.  Every child is different.  Younger children can worry that if they do something bad or you become angry at them, you might stop loving them and perhaps even leave them too.

It can be difficult to hear your child lash out and blame you.  It’s important not to take it personally or to respond defensively.

If your child is reluctant to verbalize her thoughts and feelings, you might suggest that she write in a journal or write you a letter and encourage her to not hold back.  You might assure her that whatever she needs, you are here.  That you will listen and will always love her no matter what.

3.        To be kids.

Kids need to be insulated as much as possible from “adult” matters between you and your spouse.  They need to be free to just be kids.  They need to be spared from the role of supporting their parents emotionally.

It’s important to refrain from expressing how angry you might be with your spouse or legal details about the divorce.  At the same time, it is important to make sure your children’s daily routines stay as normal as possible.  Now more than ever, they need structure at a time when things seem to be falling apart.

As difficult as divorce can be, knowing your kids have what they need can help ease the transition for them while bringing you closer.

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