I am changing what I said previously in this post and in others.  When I said that it is the conflict that exists in the home, not the actual divorce itself, that is most emotionally destructive to children.

Since then, I’ve immersed myself in studying this subject.  I have also observed the impact of divorce on the kids of so many of my clients.  As a result, I began to recognize the profound effects of my own parents’ divorce over 40 years ago.  So, I am changing my view on this.

Yes, it is true that conflict in the home – with or without active shouting – is emotionally harmful to kids.  But it is also true that the physical dismantling of the family unit can be traumatic for kids.  Naturally, you might be experiencing your own grief and emotional roller coaster ride that comes with ending your marriage.

At the same time, your children’s lives will also be shattered.  They are losing the only life they’ve ever known.  A life with a future that involves both parents and a place they call home.  It can be traumatic if your children are not given the space to grieve over the loss of this life.  The space to express what they are feeling – even if they might not have the exact words.  Or simply to say “Goodbye.”

It can help to have them write letters to you.  And you can write back.  Depending on their ages, your children might prefer to keep a simple journal of how they feel.  Perhaps they might feel comfortable sharing it with you.

Many parents choose to stay married “for the kids.”  But staying married while resentment and coldness hang in the air, permeating every room of your home isn’t any better.  Even if you and your spouse aren’t shouting at each other.  Even if you try to avoid arguments with your spouse by giving in, for example.

Your kids have extremely finely-tuned antennae sensitive to any hint of hostility.  They can literally feel the icy distance between you.  This is a great article on what happens to kids when parents aren’t getting along.  The prognosis is not good.  But the article offers valuable tips for resolving conflicts with your spouse and how your kids will benefit.

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