You know that punched in the gut feeling you get when you realize that your marriage or relationship just isn’t working? You know it has to end but the thought is overwhelming, especially when you have children. You don’t know where to start. You become immobilized so you do nothing . . . just for now, you tell yourself. Maybe you even rationalize to yourself that it’s not so bad, it could be worse. And you worry what a breakup would do to the kids. Many of you have heard all the horror stories about the enormous costs involved in getting a lawyer and how you have to face a long, drawn out process. You might also think that if you get a lawyer – or even see one – your soon-to-be ex will see it as a sign that you want to fight and he or she will fight back even more, and in unpredictable ways. These are all very common fears, and they are perfectly understandable when there is such a lack of information and resources to guide you during this scary time. You can, however, face and overcome these fears by following these 6 steps:

1. Make your mental and emotional health your number one priority. Yes, I’ll admit that there is still that stigma floating around out there about “those people” who “have to” see a therapist. As if “they” can’t handle their problems on their own. I’ll admit that you might even feel ashamed when you feel that you will be judged as if there’s something wrong with you. The truth is THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! If you had a serious physical illness, you would most likely see a doctor. Well, right now, you have an emotional injury and you need support and guidance from a professional. It is imperative, however, that you find an excellent mental health professional. Unfortunately, once again, the lack of information and guidance is utterly astounding. You simply have to take matters into your own hands and commit yourself to finding the best of the best. You deserve it! I know that the lack of a clear path can be overwhelming, especially when you have immediate pressing concerns, like taking care of your children and going to work each day.  I urge you to make this a top priority.  I remind clients that it’s like when you’re in an airplane and the flight attendants tell you in case of an emergency to place the oxygen mask over yourself first before tending to your children.  It’s extremely difficult (not to mention stressful!) to tend to others when you are not in a good place emotionally.

Here is an important tip to finding a good mental health professional who is covered under your medical insurance plan:  first, get a list of mental health providers from your medical insurance company. Perhaps you have an employer who contracts with providers who offer such services to its employees. Then, compile another list of professionals who come highly recommended from friends, family, neighbors, and colleagues. You might also search the internet for published and well-known authors who have written self-help books and articles or materials on divorce and parenting.  Contact these professionals and ask them who they’d recommend in your geographical area.  Compare these two lists to see if there are any names that appear on both.  If not, contact the professionals who come highly recommended to you and ask them who they’d recommend – perhaps these professionals will be covered by your insurance.  This is an exercise that might appear daunting, but I can assure you it is well worth the effort.

2.   Gather information.  Knowledge is power.  Read anything you can about divorce and the emotional process that you’re going through.  If anything, you will most likely feel better when you can validate what you’re feeling.  One book that I often recommend to clients is “Crazy Time” by Abigail Trafford.  It describes divorce as akin to the stages of grief and essentially walks through this process.  If you have children, a good book on co-parenting is “Mom’s House, Dad’s House.”  There are also many books on talking to children about divorce and separation (including how to break the news to them).

3.   Make a Plan.  Make a list of what is most important to you.  Protecting your children? Financial independence?  Both?  What else?  You might go to a quiet place and visualize what your ideal life will look like.  Be as specific as you can and write it down.  What will you be doing?  Where will you be living?  Then make that plan!  Make a list of the resources you will need to consult to get additional information.

4.   Gather documentation regarding your finances.  You should immediately gather as much information as possible so that you have a complete understanding of your financial circumstances, including your income and expenses.  For instance, you should obtain for at least the past 6 months the following:  bank account statements, statements concerning your retirement accounts (IRA, 401k, pensions, annuities), stocks and brokerage account statements, deeds and mortgage documents, car insurance and loan documents, paystubs, bonus and commission statements, federal and state income tax returns for at least the last 3 years, credit card statements and loan documentation, medical insurance and life insurance documentation, business records and ledgers, list of monthly expenses for utilities and specific household expenses in budget format (such as Excel spreadsheet).

5.   Get good solid legal advice.  Any attorney you consult should practice exclusively in family and matrimonial matters.  Make sure the attorney explains to you the different processes by which you can get divorced, traditional litigation, mediation, collaborative divorce, arbitration.  Before you meet with an attorney, you should view his or her website and research how each divorce process works so that you can better decide which feels right for you.

6.   Assemble your team.  To help you reach your goals, in addition to your attorney, you should get a certified financial planner, mental health professional or coach who can help you manage your emotions and communication, tax advisor, and if necessary, a tax and estate planning attorney and any others who may be needed.  If your attorney is unable to refer someone to you, you should obtain these professionals by gathering referrals from trusted friends, colleagues and family.

You will now be on your way to creating a new and exciting life for yourself and your children where you control the outcome.  Arm yourself with the resources and professionals you need to make informed choices that will enable you to achieve your most valuable goals for the future.

When you are facing the possibility of divorce, it is important for you to see that you are not a powerless victim.  You don’t need to worry about your future.  You can simply create your future by choosing the collaborative divorce process where you put together a powerful team of experts to put you in control of the outcome.

Collaborative Divorce is similar to mediation but generally more effective in that both parties have their own attorney to advise them and there is a team environment where additional professionals are added as needed.  The result is that you end up getting “the best bang for your buck” because you are paying for only those professionals that can help you the most.  For example, you don’t want to pay your lawyer to put together a parenting plan for you and your spouse.  You’d be far better off paying for a co-parenting coach as part of your collaborative divorce team who would likely take less time while being far more effective.  Believe it or not, the collaborative divorce process will very likely cost less money than hiring a litigation happy lawyer with his or her own agenda (for instance, winning and making lots of money).

Also, during the Collaborative Divorce process, you will most likely learn to manage your emotions and communicate effectively.  This is crucial for a successful outcome.  It all starts with identifying your values, goals and interests.  To get a jump start, think about what your passions are.  In other words, describe for yourself what your life would look like if it were ideal.  This process is explained in detail in the best selling book, The Passion Test by Janet Attwood and Chris Attwood, which says that your passions will lead you to your highest values.  The book explains that to identify your passions, ask yourself what specifically would you be doing and who would you be with.  The key is to map out and write down your ideal life as specifically and in as much detail as possible.

Then through the collaborative divorce process, you can begin to identify your values.  For example, do you value family, integrity, honoring your commitments, self-respect and respect for others, compassion, making a difference, excellence, honesty?  Be specific in defining your values.  For instance, if you value family, perhaps it is more accurate to say that you value being emotionally connected to your children.

The collaborative divorce process will also help you identify your specific goals for the future and your immediate interests.  For instance, do you want your children to be able to attend a specific school or engage in particular extracurricular activities?  Do you want to be debt-free? Do you want to be able to obtain education or training to explore career opportunities?

Finally, you can identify the actions that you need to take to achieve your goals.  Your collaborative divorce team will help you put together a list of powerful actions that you can begin to take immediately to help you achieve your goals.  You don’t need to be a victim when facing divorce.  Instead, when you choose the collaborative divorce process, you can create your ideal future!

It’s finally over. You went to court and the judge signed your Judgment of Divorce. In most cases, your divorce agreement – the final product of lengthy ongoing negotiations – is annexed to your Judgment of Divorce and becomes a binding Order.

You leave the courtroom with your attorney as you wonder “Now what?” Here are some practical ways that you can protect yourself in light of your now-binding divorce agreement which will essentially govern your future relationship with your ex.

1. You should immediately obtain a “certified” copy of your Judgment of Divorce (with gold seal affixed), if you have not already done so. You should keep your Judgment of Divorce with divorce agreement in a safe and secure place should you need to refer to them in the future. Along with these documents, your attorney should include a detailed description of the significant provisions of your Agreement and highlight any immediate action for each provision.

2. Make sure that you comply with your divorce agreement. If you and your ex agree to deviate from the terms of your divorce agreement, you should put these new terms in writing signed by both of you. If later there is a significant change in your economic circumstances which prevents or hinders your ability to pay child support and/or alimony, you should contact an attorney immediately. Your attorney can help you seek modification of your divorce agreement with the court if your income has been significantly reduced or eliminated or your expenses or needs of your children have significantly increased. Also, if you or your ex plans to move any significant distance with the children, you should contact an attorney immediately.

3. Revise your current Last Will and Testament in the event that it leaves property to your ex /or appoints him or her as Executor or Trustee.

4. Close any joint bank accounts. Change the name on credit cards, utilities, and other accounts. If your former household bills were primarily in your ex’s name, you should immediately begin to establish new accounts in order to build credit in your own name. To determine if any accounts remain in joint names, obtain a copy of your credit report.

5. Transfer title of automobiles to reflect ownership in each of your names. If title is changed to your name, you should immediately contact the Motor Vehicle Commission to update this information.

6. Change beneficiaries on insurance policies and the name of the insured where necessary. Obtain new coverage where necessary.

7. Keep copies of all checks received from or mailed to your ex and document the reason for payment of funds. Keep complete records and invoices of expenses paid by you and for which your ex is responsible. List all property and money given to or received from your former spouse. Where your home is to be divided at a later date, keep complete records of repairs and payments.

8. Consult with your tax advisor to review the tax consequences of your divorce agreement (which ideally you should do before your divorce agreement becomes binding). For instance, payment of alimony generally results in tax liability to the receiver and a deduction to the payer. Therefore, if you are receiving alimony, you should set aside funds for payment of taxes. You should also confirm with your tax advisor the circumstances under which you may file as married. Also, you should make sure that the appropriate forms are executed so that you and your ex properly allocate the dependency exemptions according to your divorce agreement. You should advise your employer if the number of your dependents has changed. Finally, your tax advisor should be able to advise you if you are able to claim all or part of your attorney fees as an income tax deduction.

9. Divide any personal property as soon as possible. Advise your ex in writing that all personal property has been divided and that he or she is to notify you by a certain date with any objections.

10. Last but certainly not least, be good to your children and to yourself. Take a short inexpensive vacation, if possible. Also, remember that the other parent should see the children regularly and on time. Respect the other parent of your children and strive for mutual cooperation to benefit your children. Respect yourself. Do not hesitate to seek counseling or a support group to help you during this transition.

Please call my office to set up a consultation to review your situation or forward this post to others who might find it useful.